Recently i’ve been letting my thoughts just eat me alive, I forgot about this website. I’ve been so sick and tired of the constant thought of: “will i ever be enough”

I’m doing great financially. I have a good amount of money for someone my age and I’m proud of that. I just can’t stomach the thought that as i get closer to truly becoming an adult, movin gout, doing things on my own, is if I’m actually going to be able to.

I hate working twoards my degree, but I need it. I’m not even interested in the subject, I just do it because I know I have to.

My ex broke up with her boyfriend and we’ve been talking again. Nothing related to getting back together, just talking like we used to. I still miss her. I still miss what we had, the problem is I just can’t let go of my baggage.

I still want the girl I poured all my love and energy and time into. (not my ex if it wasn’t obvious.) Me and her still talk too, but I fear the damage I did to our friendship can never be undone, and that we’ll always be somewhat of strangers. I miss talking to her and going out to get food, or doing whatever stupid activity we used to do like rage rooms and shit. She was the only real reason I had to leave the house and do something. I have friends, but I don’t really have friends. These are people I’ve known for 10+ years, and if any of them asked me to open up about how I’m feeling, I don’t think I could. She was everything I ever wanted, but for some reason I wasn’t enough for her. It kills me.

I need to talk to someone.

I’m glad i have this platform, even if nobody is reading. I hate a part of me for feeling the way I do about my parents. They do everything for me and yet I want to leave this household so fucking badly. I feel selfish for feeling this way.

I hate being alone, I hate feeling like I have nowhere to go or nobody to talk to. I can’t tell my parents about how I feel because I have to worry about their reaction to whatever I say. I’ve learned this growing up, one of my sisters has not learned this. I hear her open up to my parents and they don’t ever respond unconditionally, there’s always gotta be some “solution” or “answer” to try to invalidate the feelings she expresses to my mother. I hear these things and it reinforces the way I feel about talking to family about my problems.

I’m afraid of failing at school, that I’ll have to retake classes, paying for school, etc etc. I save all my money for this reason; to ensure that if things go wrong, that I’ve at least got an emergency fund. I want to make sure that whatever happens, I’ll be able to live while i figure my situation out.

I want someone to genuienly care for me, someone who will listen to the things I have to say. I want someone who I can talk to every day, share moments of my life with. I want a girlfriend lol. Only reason things didn’t work with my ex is because she lives in Florida, I do not.

Talking to myself through this website helps. It eases my mind in some way, while also making me feel like I have barbed wire around my throat trying not to cry just thinking about these things as I type.

Other people have it harder than me. Does that mean I shouldn’t feel this way? Probably not.

I wonder if I’ll ever tell anybody about this website. Only 1 person knows about it and I can guarentee they dont even look at it (which is perfectly fine, I don’t expect them to, nor would I be upset if they never do).

I’m so full of love, I have nobody to give it to. I’d probably never kill myself, I often think about what would happen if I did, but I don’t think I would.

I know life is hard, and I know it only gets harder, but is it too much to ask for a break? Just one break where I feel ok.