today is my birthday, yet all i really feel is nothing. it’s genuinely just another reminder that i have no friends, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, etc. i don’t want to go out to eat dinner with my family for another year in a row. i have to pretend to care that people are saying happy birthday, be happy, “oh yeah life’s going great.”

my fucking god dude how did i end up this way, it really is amazing to see. 2024 was the first and last time i went out for my birthday and it wasn’t with my parents. i want to feel cared about, i know i am, but i can’t feel it.

i’ve been sitting in my basement all day doing the camo grind on MW4, is this really the best use of my time right now?

recently i tried asking another girl out, not sure if i posted about it already, i don’t go back and check so i probably repeat a lot of things, and she didn’t feel the same. im starting to care less about being rejected, as if this is just how my life is going to be. you already read about my previous issues dealing with rejection. on one hand, i appreciate how my self reflection has changed how i approach relationships, on the other hand:

i dont know how to change. i need change. i want to be loved and appreciated by someone that i also love. when i was talking to that other girl i mentioned before, things felt amazing, it was so amazing to feel that way about someone for the first time in years. i hate being around people but want to be around people. everything just feels so mentally draining. i still can’t cry about shit, it goes away pretty quickly, and my chest just feels so heavy all day.

i have done the same exact thing, all day, every year, the entire year, for the past 4 years. fuck my life man, i really need to move out, it would at least bring me some peace.

happy birthday to me, i hope things change. im trying to, at least.