im at such a fucking low point in my life it’s not even funny.

i just got back from vacation. i was in florida and i visited my ex. i’ve talked about her before i believe, we’re still friends so this wasn’t a weird thing for either of us. it was her idea in the first place to be honest. i fucking miss her, i want her back. breaking up with her is ony of my biggest fucking regrets. she’s such a kind hearted sweet and genuine person. im glad we’re still friends because i love talking to her, but with the way my past attempts at relationships have gone, im so scared to even mention me wanting her back to her. i can’t lose someone else in my life.

this was the most fun expierence i’ve had in such a long time. i went out with friends, i talked to people, i wasn’t on my phone 24/7. i was happy. i cried on the way to the flight terminal. i didn’t want to leave her or florida. i didn’t want to go home but i had to.

im so fucking lonley man. i can’t tell if it’s my fault or not, but im at my wits end. i really want to end it all if im being honest. i can’t keep doing this.

i love her so much. i’ve only felt this way about 1 other person and we all know how that went. i keep looking at the pictures we took the last time i visited her, when we were actually dating still. i haven’t smiled like that in a long time. i know how corny and edgy that shit sounds, but seriously man, i’m really fucking struggling. being in a religious household i can’t tell my parents im visiting a white girl, or any girl for that matter. lies and deceit got me through this vacation. i was nervous to take pictures, i didn’t want to touch my phone i just wanted to be in the moment with her. i got a nice candid picture of her pointing at some shark plushies in an aquariam gift shop and i made that her new contact picture so im happy about that at least.

cried some more when i got home. this isn’t my home, i don’t believe it is. i’m not happy here, i hate it here. i need a place on my own. i love her so much. my original reason for breaking up with her was because of the long distance. i don’t think she’ll want to get back together even with the distance. im stuck here forever knowing she may end up moving on to someone new like she already has (they broke up because he was a dickhead). i’m afraid i’ll never be with her and we’ll never live the life i wanted us to have.

i just want to be loved. i want everyone around me to be happy, i want to be around people who actually care. since we started talking again, she’s been the only person who consistantly texts me every day and i love it. i love having someone to talk to, that’s why i’m afraid of asking her if she would wait for me. things have changed, she’s much more mature now. she’s got a job, bills, and things in her life that need priority over anything else. when i was at her house, i couldn’t stop thinking about her holding me. i wanted to lay with her and have her run her hands through my hair.

this vacation was both a pain and a pleasure. i love her more than she’ll ever know. i hope to visit again someday, maybe even permanantly. i need to get my degree and just move away. i hate it here.