first post of 2025 lets go baby

im still really fucked in the head. i feel so alone and i just want things to change. ive been thinking about how i feel lately, more so than usual. some time ago the idea that i might have some neurological problem might be possible. i thought maybe im autistic, maybe there is something wrong with my brain that i can pin as an excuse to say: “thats it. thats why i feel this way all the time, it’s not because of my own fault, it’s this.” i had a doctors appointment for today to see where im at, maybe i’d get some answers. i decided against going through with it for 2 reasons: one was that my mother kept asking for my login to my doctors portal. it’s the thing that would say all my notes and thing i talked about with my primary care physican. that’s a no go. there is no way in hell i would ever let her in there. she hadn’t gotten suspiscious of it yet, but the fact that she asked was alarming to me. last time i was at the doctors i had them remove her as a proxy on my account, meaning she cant see my notes or make appointments for me. this was one of the major reasons i didn’t decide to go today. she actually knew this appointment was going to happen, but it seems like she forgot. i dreaded the day coming because if i decided to go through with it then it would remind her about these issues i have again, so i canceled it. things are going fine now, im trying to build up my facade once more to get back ot my “normal life” where im not questioned about what’s going on in mind. maybe i talked about the story before about how my friend ruined that for me. he can go fuck himself i hate that dumb retard.

the second thing was, would it even matter if i went and learned the truth? what if i do have a problem. what if i am autistic, what if this or that or whatever. does it even matter to know? would it even make a difference? maybe i’d end up using it as an excuse and that might just hurt more people in the future. knowing myself im sure i’d try it as an excuse, but i know thats a disgusting thing to do. (at least for me. i dont want to use excuses to try to get around my behavior.) i just want things to go back to the way they were. i miss her, i miss my ex to honestly. i miss my old friends, my old job, i miss it all. that’s all in the past now however. i need to move on. knowing this information wouldn’t change anything for me. it would not benefit me very much and i’d still be the same person. it’s going to be a long way until i get the quiet life i want. im still saving my money, i am saving and saving and saving. i recently hired an accountant to do my investments for me. those are going pretty well. it would be very useful in the long run to have this money build more exponentially. im planning and planning. i want out of this house. i wish she loved me back, i wish i was able to do the things i want without feeling embarrassed. there are a lot of things i wish. even though people say they wont judge you, they are. they always judge you. everyone has an opinion about everyone. nobody is the same we all operate differently, and because of this we are all going to criticize someone else one way or another. i’ve always hated being judged or told what to do. like if im working on something, i hated when someone tried to give me an “easier” way of doing something. i find comfort in learning things my own way, and on the off chance i decide i need help, im not going to ask someone else directly im just going to look it up. see how other people do it, find what works, etc.

i really don’t like myself much. i dont understand why i feel so weak, or why im not able to do things as easily as other people. feels like people are always very distant from me. its probably why i miss my ex, she understood me., she made me happy. the long distance was just something i couldn’t do anymore. we talked on the phone yesterday actually, that was really nice. we are still friends but we just each have our own business to deal with.

i have yet to share this website with any of my friends. one person i guess does know the url exists, he just wont check it. he knows what i put on this website but i tell him everything already anyway. he understands me to some extent. i appreciate him for that, i dont think i show my appreciation enough honestly, but i think he understands. he vents to me, i vent to him. he’s nice and im glad i have him in my life. but he doesn’t live in the same state as me.

yet again another depressing post, sorry man i really dont think of much. im trying not to have any correlation to my personal life on here. no names, no faces, nothing. i like being able to write these long posts and get everything out. i can talk freely with no judgement. to anyone who is reading this, if you’re going through something, just know im right here too. we’ve all got our issues, i hope we can get through them. i wish someone cared about me the way i care for others. i wish someone checked up on me the way i do for others. nobody does man, it sucks.

im going to buy more weed tomorrow probably. thank god for being in a legal state. as little as i have going for me, im glad i have that. in a household where i feel really distant from everyone, where i feel like im not able to act freely, weed is nice because i feel in control. i feel like im truly doing something with free will, nobody is telling me no. i do understand the risks that come from this however if i get caught, which is why i save my money a lot. save save save. i’ll make it out eventually. i feel like an asshole for detesting this family as much as i do. no normal kid does that, nobody wants to grow up disliking the people that gave you everything. its gross yet i feel this way all the time.

wow this post got longer than i thought it would.

i started playing balatro, i understand why that game is so highly rated its awesome.

whats weird is with this money saving mentality that i have, i seem to restrict myself from having any fun at all. it sucks yeah but im just thinking of the bigger picture. i will have everything i want and more when i just get out of this house. i dream of my room where its either just me or me and my signifigant other. i still dont want kids, that hasnt changed.

ramble ramble on. i have no new drama stories. like i want things to post here or to talk about but i really got nothing going for me and i’d rather not have a new cannon event happen just so i have a post to make, thats dumb as fuck lmao.

i hope things get better from here. this year hasn’t started great, but i’ve had worse starts lol.